“There’s nothing worse than loving someone who’s never going to stop disappointing you.” This is a recent quote from a character in one of my favorite TV shows, but it speaks to one of the things that drives me nuts about the average young American’s beliefs on relationships and marriage. And – in my admittedly unscientific and completely biased opinion – I believe this particular way of thinking is a major contributing factor in the high average in divorces and break-ups today.
Let’s talk some common sense, people. I mean, do you honestly believe you’ll be able to live and love with another human being for 50-odd years without having to endure a lot of disappointment from him or her? We are, each of us in the race of humanity, complicated, multi-faceted, and conflicting individuals who are ever changing, ever evolving (or in some cases, devolving), and ever learning new things about ourselves and the world around us. We are absolutely unique and different from every other human on this planet in a million different ways, capable of the greatest achievements or the narrowest viewpoint. So why does it seems that much of the popular media projects this ridiculous propaganda that leads people to believe that we are all going through life with only half a heart until we find “THE ONE” person out there for us – that singular and only human being among billions on this planet that will make our lives complete? I see nothing but a lot of lonely tears and existential angst coming out of this belief and it drives me nuts.
Ladies, are you waiting, (or did you wait) for the husband/boyfriend/partner who keeps all his hair and each of his six packs? One who would never pee with the door open, or fart loudly in your presence and proceed to joke about it? The romantic who always knows the right thing to say or do because he’s completely and totally emotionally in tune with you? The adoring mate who somehow always manages to buy you the perfect gift every Christmas (*Sigh* - the one who went to JARED?!”)? Most importantly, did you or have you waited for “THE ONE” who would never say some ass-hat comment about your clothes/weight/make-up/hair/your resemblance to your mother’s personality/or your snappish comments when you’re in a really bad mood? Have you ever broken up a relationship that may have had a longer shelf-life because of an incident of clear and undeniable jackass-ery from your significant other?
And gentlemen – to be fair and not leave you out – did you, or do you wait for a woman whom you believed would, over the course of 50-odd years, never gain more than 5 or 10 lbs., always make the effort to look gorgeous for you, listen intently to every detail of your day at the office/afternoon fishing/recap of your football team’s game/ and, of course, looooove the idea of a stuffed antlered dear head over the living room fire place (talk to my cousin Emily about this. . .or almost any woman for that matter.). Did ya think your beloved would never criticize your physique/hygiene/fishing and/or hunting obsession/MC Hammer sweat pants/character flaws/hair (or lack thereof)? Have you clung to the belief that your mate shouldn’t nag you about such things as your apparently ingrained habit of leaving your shoes smack in the middle of her path to the bed, causing her to trip over them EVERY NIGHT? Have you broken up a relationship that may have gone the distance due to an over-the-top incident of uncalled for bitchiness from a girlfriend?
For those of you that fall into the above 2 paragraphs – let me ask you. . . .how’s that working out for you? Ya happy? Got a FAN-tastic relationship that the world around you envies? Didn’t think so.
Now, let me be very clear: I’m not saying you should settle for someone who constantly disappoints you in a million different ways, or a person who makes you truly unhappy. Nor am I saying that marriage is a never-ending string of life-long disappointment that must be muddled through. If that were the case, I feel confident in saying that the institution of marriage would have gone the way of the dinosaur.
The reality is that, as individuals, we all have our “deal-breakers” in relationships; certain fundamental beliefs, personality traits, habits, or attitudes that we know our partner must/or must not have. Because if they did/or didn’t have them, it would threaten to damage the essence of who we are as a person, and our ability to find consistent contentment and happiness in life. And everyone’s deal-breakers are different. But I believe that a large number of single, young people out there have a list of deal-breakers as long as St. Nick’s on December 24th; and that, if examined closely, would contain a great deal of what they will most likely consider to be minor petty annoyances 10 years from now. . .or even 5 years from now. . .or maybe even 1 year.
My husband Dwayne and I are coming up on our 10 year anniversary in October. And although we’re still in the relative infancy of our marriage, the fact is that we have disappointed each other many, many times, and in some truly profound ways over the years. However, I do not consider myself to be unhappy in my marriage – just the opposite, actually. This is mostly due to the fact that when these disappointments come up, we argue about them and then talk about them – sometimes so much that it feels as though we talk of nothing else for weeks or months at a time. Thus far in our relationship, we have done our best to turn these disappointments into opportunities that will make our relationship stronger. And, for the most part, we have succeeded.
I believe a big reason for this is that beneath the disappointments and character flaws, there are no underlying or unresolved deal-breakers. If we were to dig past all the differences between us that sometimes drive us crazy, there is an underlying core of mutually desired goals, beliefs, and attitudes about our “deal-breakers.” We have similar beliefs in God, we both want children, we have common goals and attitudes regarding money, we believe it’s important to help our fellow man (and many times, our fellow animals), and we value our families.
So, for all of you out there that are desperately concerned with my opinions regarding your romantic attitudes and practices, LISTEN TO ME: I HAVE WISDOM YOU MAY BENEFIT FROM.
And here it is: think carefully about your deal breakers: make a list of things you know you absolutely cannot live with, or live without. Do you long to have children? Are you a dog lover (this may sound silly, but I would not be happy if I couldn’t have at least one dog)? Are you an Atheist, an Agnostic, a Catholic, Muslim, or Jew? How will you raise your children if you and your mate each have strong ties to radically different religious belief systems? Is a sense of humor important (again, this is more important than you might think. My husband is the funnies person I know, and there are so many precious memories from the past 10 years that revolve around him making me and my loved ones laugh.) Is a college education a must? How important is solid financial security? This may seem shallow, but believe me, it’s not. Don’t marry the proverbial “starving artist” if you value a steady income and want a flexible and fully funded retirement plan.
I know these things are not “romantic” per say, but I guarantee you they will make the difference between experiencing decades of marital devotion and perpetual disputes and drama. And you may just be surprised to discover that life tends to have more room for romance when you’re not constantly fighting with your significant other.
Folks, (did I just say “folks” like I was 70 years old?!)
Folks, it drives me NUTS when I see and/or hear people choose their dates and/or mates based on looks, current income, and/or social status. So, PLEASE, take my advice – make a list, check it more than twice, and look for someone who wants to make the same “deals” as you do.
